Using regret to identify and address unmet needs
When you think about the things you regret, it’s likely you’ll either defensively deny having any regrets or find your facial expression transforming into a grimace as you cringe at the memories. Even when time has passed, the sting remains salient, hovering and reminding you of your deficiencies, taunting you about your failures and inadequacies. It’s the reason so many people try to overcome the cognitive dissonance and discomfort with mantras like ‘no regrets’. But what if I told you that regrets are actually a wonderful tool for helping you to discover your unmet needs?
If you look more closely, it’s likely there are countless regrets that fit into all areas of your life. From bad behaviour to lost friendships, poor choices and the dreaded ‘what if’s‘. But regrets are actually a gift if you’re able to reframe in a way that distances you from the emotional sting. They’re a perfect way to identify what matters to you and where your needs aren’t being met. This then provides you with opportunities for future actions that help meet those needs so the regret doesn’t scream out as loudly as it may have done previously.
Daniel Pink provided a great, simple illustration of the different categories of regret and the underlying needs left unmet in his book The power of regret as shown in the table below. In the book, he suggests there are four types of regrets: foundation, boldness, moral and connection. These either lament actions not taken or choices made. However, rather than looking at the categories of regrets themselves, it’s the underlying unmet needs that I find particularly interesting because these hold the utility for transformational change.
To work out which of your needs you value but feel is most inadequately met, I developed the following exercise which you may like to try:
Sit down with a pen and paper (or for those more tech-oriented a computer/ phone) and brain dump as many regrets as you can. These could include all sorts of things including:
not telling someone you loved them
staying in a job for too long
stalling on buying a property
listening to others instead of yourself
letting someone treat you like crap
2. Now that you have your list, circle the top 10 regrets that sting the most (or at least 5 if you find yourself with a rather short list).
3. Using the table above, write next to each of these circled regrets the category they fit into and populate the table below:
Which type of regret had the highest score?
It’s quite likely at this point that you’ll also notice your regrets are more heavily focus on either actions done or inaction. According to Daniel Pink, this seems to a large extent be to do with your age which I suspect also influences the needs one may prioritise at a point in life. Inaction regrets seem to linger more painfully the more that time goes on which may be why older individuals imparting wisdom put so much more emphasis on being courageous and acting even when you doubt yourself or are afraid. In contrast, younger individuals are more focused on trying to fit in and belong and so they can be more focused on how foolish actions could have cast them in a poor light with others. For example, when I was younger, two regrets that really stung were both actions that were in conflict with my moral compass while now they more heavily skew towards things I wish I’d done but been too afraid to pursue.
4. Now for the interesting part. Unmet needs have a way of making us feel inadequate and keeping us hostage in a sort of survival mode which means that finding even tiny ways to meet the need can help counter the sting of regret and move you closer to both having the need met and living a life more aligned with what you desire.
For example, if like me, you found that most of your needs sat in the boldness category, the first thing you want to do is not look at big scary goals as these will feel as overwhelming and emotionally charged as the regrets you’ve just circled. Rather, you want to focus on little things that can have a cumulative effect. Your aim is to build momentum so that over time the need feels less neglected and painful and so addressing it can start to feel less overwhelming.
To help you get started in addressing the need, you might like to brainstorm all sorts of weird and wonderful things that could be an expression of that need being met as shown in the list below. If you’re stuck, consider when you’ve been jealous of others for having something as it can illustrate ways you perceive the need to be met. As I mentioned before, the important thing is to build momentum so that you have more and more positive examples of the need being met so that you can override the narrative that your brain is telling you that having that need met is something out of reach for you (ie you don’t deserve it).
